Izizathu ezi-3 zokuba nexhala lokuba iqabane lakho lingakhohlisa

Umxholo

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Ndidibene nomhlobo wam uRick * ngesidlo sasemini kutshanje, kwaye ndothuke xa eveza ukuba inkosikazi yakhe ibithandane ixesha elide kwaye bayaqhawula umtshato. Nangona ndandingazange ndilindele ukuba umfazi kaRick angathembeki (kwaye noRick akazange enze njalo), xa ndibona, ubudlelwane babo babunazo iimpawu ezonyusa umngcipheko wokungathembeki. Abaphandi baqikelela ukuba ukungathembeki kuchaphazela iipesenti ezingama-25 zayo yonke imitshato, kunye neepesenti ezinkulu zokuhlala kunye nezibini ezithandanayo (uFincham noMeyi, 2017).

Ezi ngcebiso zilandelayo zisekwe kuphando zinokukunceda ukuba uphephe ubudlelwane neqabane elingathembekanga kwaye ufumane iqabane elinokuthi linyaniseke:

1. Ngaba ujongeka ngathi ungumkhohlisi?

Oku kunokuvakala kulula, kodwa ukubonakala kwethu okokuqala kunokuba nokuchaneka kwaye kufundise, nokuba kusekwe kulwazi olunqongopheleyo. Uphando lubonisa ukuba abantu basetyhini banokufumanisa ngokuchanekileyo ukuba ngaba amadoda ebengathembekanga ngaphambili ngokujonga nje iifoto zobuso . URhode kunye noogxa bakhe (2012) bacele amadoda nabafazi ukuba bagwebe iifoto zobuso zamanye amalungu esini kunye nokulinganisa amathuba okuba abantu ababekule mifanekiso babengathembekanga ngaphambili. Baqokelela kunye nedatha yokuzixela evela kubantu ababonakala kwiifoto malunga nembali yobudlelwane babo bangaphambili. Abasetyhini banokufumanisa ngokuchanekileyo ukuba ngawaphi amadoda axele ngokungathembeki ngaphambili, kwaye babonakala besebenzisa ubudoda bamadoda njengesikhokelo esiphambili; ngokwenyani, amadoda anobuso bobudoda ngakumbi kunokwenzeka ukuba axele ngokungathembeki- kwaye ukunganyaniseki kwangaphambili kukuxela ukungathembeki kwikamva (UFincham noMeyi, 2017). Amadoda, nangona kunjalo, ayenzile hayi ukufumanisa ngokuchanekileyo ukungathembeki kwabasetyhini. Ngelixa bekholelwa ukuba abafazi abanomtsalane, ababhinqileyo kunokwenzeka ukuba bangathembeki, abo bafazi bebengakhohliswanga kumaqabane ngaphambili. Le ndlela ayizukusebenza ngepesenti ye-100 yexesha, kodwa yithemba isisu sakho: Ukuba ucinga ukuba iqabane elinokuba liqabane kunokwenzeka ukuba lingathembeki, unokukhetha izinto ezithile ezichuliweyo kodwa ezinokuthenjwa.

2. Ngaba unelizwi elithandanayo?

Ngaba ufumana ilizwi elinomtsalane elinomtsalane? Amadoda athambekele ekukhetheni amazwi aphakamileyo, awabafazi ngakumbi kwabasetyhini, ngelixa abafazi bathanda ukukhetha amazwi anzulu, ngakumbi awamadoda emadodeni (I-Collins kunye ne-Missing, 2003; Saxton et al., 2006; Simmons et al., 2011). Ngokudabukisayo, nangona kunjalo, amadoda akrokrela abantu ababhinqileyo abanamazwi ababhinqileyo ukuba kunokwenzeka ukuba bangathembeki, kwaye abafazi balindele ukuba amadoda anezwi lobudoda kakhulu kunokwenzeka ukuba angathembeki (O'Connor et al., 2011). Olu lindelo lusemthethweni: Bobabini abesilisa nabasetyhini abanamazwi anomtsalane bahlala benamaqabane ezesondo ngakumbi kwaye kunokwenzeka ukuba bangathembeki (UGallup noFrederick, 2010). Ayisiyiyo kuphela into enomtsalane kwilizwi enxulunyaniswa namathuba okuba nomntu omnye; inxulunyaniswa nomngcipheko okhulayo wokuba nemicimbi emininzi, kunye nokwanda komngcipheko wokuba neentlobano zesini neqabane esele likolunye ulwalamano, kungenjalo kwaziwa njenge "poaching poaring" (Hughes et al., 2004). Nangona amazwi amnandi esenza amaqabane abonakalayo, abo bantu banokwenza ngcono ixesha elifutshane kunamaqabane exesha elide. (Jonga le posi ngaphezulu ngomtsalane wamazwi amnandi.)

3. Ngaba unengxaki yeziyobisi okanye yotywala?

Abantu abathi baxele ingxaki yokusela (umz.ukusela iziselo ezintlanu okanye nangaphezulu kwisiganeko esinye, ukubanjwa kwe-DUI edlulileyo, okanye ukuphazamiseka ekutyeni okanye ekulaleni ngenxa yokusela) banamathuba okuba bakhohlise amaqabane abo aphambili (UGraham et al., 2016). Aba baphandi bacebisa ukuba ukunqongophala kolawulo lwempembelelo okanye ukuzibamba kunokuba negalelo kokubini kwimicimbi yeziyobisi notywala kunye nokwanda kokungathembeki. Ukusetyenziswa kotywala kunokunxulunyaniswa nokwanda kokudlala ngothando nabantu ngaphandle kweqabane eliphambili (IBuss kunye neShackelford, 1997).

Uyifumana njani (kwaye uyigcine) iqabane elingaphantsi kokukhohlisa

Ngelixa imiqondiso yokuba iqabane linokuba nakho ukukopela ibonakala ngokukhawuleza okukhulu, izinto ezinxulunyaniswa ne inciphile amathuba okungathembeki kunokuthatha ixesha elide ukuba aqaphele.

Izinto ezahlukeneyo zinxulunyaniswa nokwehla kokungathembeki. Ukufana neqabane lakho, ngakumbi kwimimandla yenkolo kunye nemvelaphi yemfundo, kunciphisa amathuba okufumana ukungathembeki (UFincham noMeyi, 2017). Into enomdla kukuba, xa omabini amaqabane esebenza, endaweni yokusebenzela omnye, umngcipheko wokungathembeki nawo uyancitshiswa (UFincham noMeyi, 2017). Ukufumana iqabane ngesimbo sokuncamathisela esikhuselekileyo kunokunciphisa umngcipheko wokungathembeki (UDeWall et al., 2011, uFincham noMeyi, 2017; uSchmitt noJonason, 2015); Ngokunjalo ukufumana iqabane elisezantsi kwi-narcissism kwaye liphezulu kwisazela (IBrewer et al., 2015; IBuss kunye neShackelford, 1997).

Ukuba sele unolwalamano, nokuba wena okanye iqabane lakho uneempawu ezinxulumene nokwanda okanye ukunciphisa umngcipheko wokungathembeki, ubudlelwane bakho amandla ingangoyena mntu uqikelela ulwalamano oluthembekileyo. Ukwanda kokwoneliseka kobudlelwane sisimo esomeleleyo sokuthembeka kwizibini ezitshatileyo (UFincham noMeyi, 2017). Gcina ulwalamano lwakho lubalulekile usebenzisa ezi ngcebiso ukwandisa ukoneliseka kwakho kunye nokunciphisa umngcipheko wokungathembeki.

Izalathiso

^{IBrewer, G., Hunt, D., James, G., kunye noAbell, L. (2015). Iimpawu zobumnyama ezimnyama, ukungathembeki kunye nokuziphindezela kothando. Ubuntu kunye nokwahluka komntu ngamnye, 83, 122-127. ikhonkco: 10.1016 / j.paid.2015.04.007}

^{UBuss, D. M., kunye noShackelford, T. K. (1997). Ukungabikho kokungathembeki kunyaka wokuqala womtshato. Ijenali yoPhando kuBuntu, 31 (2), 193-221. ikhonkco: 10.1006 / jrpe.1997.2175}

^{I-Collins, S., kunye ne-C, (2003). Umtsalane kunye nokubonakala komtsalane kunxulumene nabasetyhini. Ukuziphatha kwezilwanyana, i-65 (5), 997-1004. ikhonkco: 10.1006 / anbe.2003.2123}

^{UDeWall, C., uLambert, uN. M., uSlotter, u-E., UPond, uR., UDeckman, uT., UFinkel, u-E., No-Fincham, uF. D. (2011). Ukuza kuthi ga ngoku kude neqabane lakho, kodwa sisondele kwezinye iindlela zothando: Ukuthintela ukunamathela, umdla kwezinye iindlela, kunye nokungathembeki. Ijenali yoBuntu kunye neNtlalontle yezeNtlalontle, 101 (6), 1302-1316. ikhonkco: 10.1037 / a0025497}

^{UFincham, F. D., kunye noMeyi, R. W. (2017). Ukungathembeki kubudlelwane bezothando. Uluvo lwangoku kwi-Psychology, 13, 70-74.}

^{UGallup, G. R., kunye noFrederick, D. A. (2010). Inzululwazi yesibheno sesini: umbono wokuzivelela kwezinto. Uphengululo lweeNzululwazi ngokuPhangaleleyo, 14 (3), 240-250. ikhonkco: 10.1037 / a0020451}

^{UGraham, S. M., Negash, S., uLambert, N. M., kunye noFincham, F. D. (2016). Ingxaki yokusela kunye nokwabelana ngesondo ngokungaqhelekanga kubudlelwane babantu abadala abathandanayo. Ijenali yezeNtlalontle kunye neKlinikhi yezeMpilo, 35 (2), 152-170.}

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