Ngaba abantwana bethu bayoyiswa?

Kuqhelekile kule minyaka idlulileyo ukuba abazali balunyukiswe malunga neengozi zokudumisa. Sixelelwe ukuba ukunconywa rhoqo, nangona kwenzelwe ukomeleza ukuzithemba komntwana kunye nokuzithemba, endaweni yoko kunokubangela ukwanda kokuxhalaba kwaye ekugqibeleni kujongela phantsi inyathelo lakhe nokuzithemba. Uninzi lwabacebisi babazali luxhalabile ngokukodwa, bade bothuke, kukunconywa okungenanto: xa abazali (okanye ootitshala) bexelela abantwana ukuba bayamangalisa (okanye okubi kakhulu, "bakhethekileyo") xa umntwana engakhange enze nantoni na emangalisayo okanye ekhethekileyo.

Kolu luvo, xa ukuncoma kungabizi, abantwana bayasilela ukufunda ukubaluleka kokusebenza nzima. Abagxeki bayabuza, abantwana bangafunda njani isidingo somzamo kunye nokuzingisa xa bengacelwanga mngeni wokwenza ngcono, xa benikwa ii-A's ze-C, banikwa iindebe zokubonisa nje, kwaye beve izinto ezintle kuphela?

Amava am-kwaye, ndiyakholelwa, ukufundwa ngokuchanekileyo kophando lwendumiso-kufundisa isifundo esahlukileyo. Kwiminyaka engamashumi amathathu yoqeqesho lwezonyango, ndiye ndadibana nabantwana abaninzi abadimazekileyo, abanomsindo nabangonwabanga. Kwaye umgwebi akayindumiso, kodwa ukugxeka. Uninzi lwaba bantwana lwagxekwa; bambalwa kakhulu abongwayo.

Abantwana bafuna ukunconywa. Sonke siyakwenza. Kwasebusaneni, abantwana bajonge kuthi ukuze badunyiswe kwaye bavunywe, kwaye babelane ngamaxesha okuzingca. Ewe, andikukhuthazi ukudumisa (okanye, ngenxa yento, ukubonakalisa uvelwano okanye induduzo) ezingenangqondo okanye ezinganyanisekanga. Ngokuqinisekileyo andikholelwa kwindumiso engenanto.

Kodwa ndiyakholelwa ukuba kufanelekile ukuba sibe nesisa, singabi ngabangacacanga, ngendumiso yethu.

Ingqondo yokukhula

Isazi ngengqondo uCarol Dweck kunye noogxa bakhe baqhube uphando olubalulekileyo olubonisa iziphumo ezibi zokudumisa ubuchule babantwana, kunokuba benze umzamo wabo. Olu phononongo luye lwabonisa iziphumo ezincumisayo xa abantwana befundisiwe ukuba umgudu, hayi amandla emvelo, yayisisitshixo sempumelelo. U-Dweck uhlukanisa iintlobo ezimbini zeenkolelo, okanye iingqondo, ukuba abantwana (kunye nabantu abadala) babambe malunga nobume bezakhono zethu. Abantwana abanengqondo esisigxina bajonga ubuchule, kubandakanya ubukrelekrele, njengezinto ezingaguqukiyo. Abantwana abanengqondo yokukhula bakholelwa ekubeni amandla ethu anokuphucula ngomzamo.

Xa abantwana benengqondo esisigxina, lonke ucelomngeni olwenziweyo kubo luva ngathi luvavanyo: uvavanyo lokuba banengqondo okanye abalumkanga, banetalente okanye abanetalente. Ingqondo esisigxina idala imvakalelo yoxinzelelo kunye nokungxamiseka, kunye notyekelo lokuphepha, kunokufuna, umngcipheko kunye nemiceli mngeni. Xa bexinezelekile, abantwana abanengqondo engatshintshiyo kunokwenzeka ukuba baziva bexhalabile kwaye bedandathekile. Banamathuba amaninzi okuzikhusela, ukukopela nokuxoka. Ngokuchaseneyo, xa abantwana benengqondo yokukhula, kunokwenzeka ukuba bakuthathe ukusilela kwabo hayi njengesigwebo kodwa njengethuba lokufunda. Abantwana abanengqondo yokukhula ke ngoko babonisa ukuba nethemba nokuzingisa xa bejamelene nokusilela.

Ukuncoma ubukrelekrele babantwana kukhuthaza ingqondo echanekileyo. Ukuncoma umzamo wabantwana kukhuthaza ukukhula kwengqondo. UDweck kunye noogxa bakhe bakwabonakalisile, kuzo zombini iikholeji nakwizikolo zamabanga aphakamileyo, ukuba ukutshintsha iingqondo zabafundi kuphucula iinzame zabo, impumelelo yabo, kunye nokukwazi kwabo ukuphendula ngokufanelekileyo kuxinzelelo.

UDweck uqukumbela ngelithi, "ukuncoma ubukrelekrele babantwana kwenzakalisa ukukhuthaza kwabo kwaye kwenzakalisa nokusebenza kwabo." (Uyaphawula, ewe, ukuba abantwana bayaluthanda olu hlobo lokudumisa. Bayakuthanda ukuxelelwa ukuba banengqondo, kwaye oku kubanika amandla, ukukhanya okukhethekileyo-kodwa okomzuzwana kuphela.)

UDweck akagqityi kolu phando, nangona kunjalo, ukuba abazali akufuneki babancome abantwana babo. Ubhala athi,

“Ngaba oku kuthetha ukuba asinakubancoma abantwana bethu ngehlombe xa besenza into entle? Ngaba kufuneka sizame ukuthintela ukuncoma kwethu impumelelo yabo? Hayi akunjalo. Kuthetha nje ukuba kufuneka sihlale kude nokuqinisekileyo iintlobo yokudumisa-indumiso egweba ubukrelekrele babo okanye italente yabo ... Singabancoma njengoko sifuna inkqubo yokujolisa ekukhuleni-oko bakwenzileyo ngokwenza, ukufunda, ukunyamezela, kunye nezicwangciso ezilungileyo. Singababuza ngomsebenzi wabo ngendlela eya kuwuncoma kwaye iwuthakazelele umzamo wabo nokhetho abalwenzileyo. ”

Ukudumisa ii-junkies?

Umcebisi wobuzali u-Alfie Kohn ukwabonisa isigxeko-ncomo sendumiso. UKohn ukholelwa ukuba ukunconywa rhoqo kunokudala ebantwaneni indlala yokufumana imvume yangaphandle kunye nexesha elide lokungazithembi. Ulumkisa ngelithi, abantwana bethu banokuthi, ngale ndlela, babe "ngabancomayo." Iincwadi zikaKohn zibandakanya iingcebiso ezininzi ezicingisisiweyo nezilumkileyo. Kule ngxaki, nangona kunjalo, ngentlonelo andivumelani.

Isidingo somntwana sokunconywa nokwamkelwa, sokwamkelwa kunye noxabiso ngabantu abadala abathandwayo, asiyiyo, njengoko uKohn ekholelwa, ukuba ngumvuzo "wangaphandle". Iilekese, amathokheni, kunye nemali yimivuzo yangaphandle. Ukudumisa, okanye ukuncuma, okanye ukukhanya kwamehlo ethu, kwahlukile. Yimfuno esisiseko yomntu, ebaluleke njengayo nayiphi na enye. Ngesi sizathu, xa sincoma abantwana bethu, asizenzi iziyobisi. Ngapha koko, okwahlukileyo kuyinyani. Abantwana kusenokwenzeka ukuba babe zii-junkies zokudumisa xa kungabikho ukuncoma kwethu kunye nokuvunywa kwethu.

Xa abantwana beziva benekratshi, xa bephumelele kuwo nawuphi na umsebenzi, ngethuku lemvelo bajonge kwabanye ukuba babelane ngale mvakalelo. Abantwana bafuna oku kuvunywa. Ngaphandle kwendumiso eyoneleyo, umntwana uya kuva ubunzima, ngakumbi ukudimazeka kunye nokungabi namdlandla, okanye uya kufuna esi sondlo kwenye indawo, okanye uya kuba nomsindo kwaye afune ukunconywa, nokuba khange afunyanwe ngokupheleleyo.

Ndiyakholelwa ke ukuba kufuneka sinike abantwana indumiso ngesisa kuyo yonke imizamo yabo, kubandakanya nokuziphatha kwabo kakuhle. Ixesha elingaphezulu, baya kufunda ukuba indumiso iyazuzwa, ngokusebenza nzima kunye nezenzo ezilungileyo.

Ilungelo lokushicilela uKen Barish, Ph.D.

UKen Barish, Ph.D. ngumbhali we Ikratshi novuyo: Isikhokelo sokuqonda iimvakalelo zomntwana wakho kunye nokuSombulula iingxaki zoSapho .