Ngaba Usilwa Nje Okanye Uyalwa “Uyalwa Nesazela”?

Eyona nto inokubangela ukuba abantu abatshatileyo babe nobudlelwane obuhlala buhleli yile:

B. Amandla okuphepha okanye okuthintela ukungqubana okukhulu kweemvakalelo

C. Amandla okulawula iyantlukwano ngokufanelekileyo

D. Iimbono zezopolitiko ekwabelwana ngazo

E. Iibhondi ezomeleleyo zothando ezisekwe kwangethuba kulwalamano.

Ukuba ukhethe u "C", Siyavuyisana nawe. Ungomnye wabantu abambalwa abasiqondayo isidingo, nokuba lolona lwalamano lubalaseleyo ukuze babe nezakhono zokulawula ungquzulwano. Zonke izibini ezininzi, ngakumbi ezo ubudlelwane bazo buye babonakaliswa, ngakumbi kumanqanaba okuqala, ziimvakalelo ezinamandla zokuthandana, abanakuyicinga indlela enokuthi ivele ngayo imfuno enjalo. Kumanqanaba okuqala wentabatheko, (oko kukuthi, "imeko yokulahlekisa") inokubonakala ingenakwenzeka kwaye ingenakwenzeka into yokuba imfuneko yokufunda ukuzibandakanya kwiimpikiswano ezinoxanduva okanye "ukulwa ukulwa" kungaze kuvele phakathi kwabantu ababini ndisemathandweni.

Njengokuba abo bangamagqala kwibala lezobudlelwane beze kufunda, nokuba ubudlelwane obuqala ezulwini, bunokwenza kwaye buhlala benza, ekuhambeni kwexesha babhengeza izinto ezingathandekiyo zeqabane ngalinye. Njengoko le miba ikhanya kancinci kancinci, sicelwa umngeni ukuba sijongane neempawu zethu kunye nezomnye nomnye kunesakhono, imfesane kunye nokunyamezelana. Ukukhula kwentliziyo evulekileyo efuna ubudlelwane obukhulu njengoko iSt Francis isikhumbuza "yindebe yokuqonda, umphanda wothando, kunye nolwandle lomonde."

Ayisiyo kuphela ukubonakaliswa kokungafezeki kweqabane lethu apho sifuna konke ukuba nomonde ukuze samkele kwaye siphile, kodwa kukuvezwa kwezinto zethu ezingafezekanga ezikhanyiselwa ekuphenduleni kwabo basishiya sijamelene neentloni.

Inkolelo okanye ulindelo lokuba izibini "ezilungileyo" azilwi okanye akufuneki zilwe zisithintela ekuvumaneni (okanye nakwiziqu zethu) ukuba kungafuneka sifunde ukulawula ukungafani kwethu ngobuchule kwaye mhlawumbi senze utshintsho kwinkqubo. . Kuba utshintsho lunakho kwaye luhlala lubandakanya ukungena endaweni engaziwayo kwaye usemngciphekweni wokuphulukana nento, kukho amathuba amahle kakhulu okuba kubekho ukunganyaniseki ekuthatheni eli nyathelo.

Enye indlela yokwenza oko kukukhanyela, ukunqanda, okanye ukungcwaba iiyantlukwano ezingasonjululwanga, ezinokuthi zonakalise isiseko kunye nenqanaba lokuthembela kubudlelwane. Ikwanciphisa amandla okusondelelana afumanekayo kulwalamano. Umahluko ongalungiswanga kunye no "kugqitywa" kweemvakalelo ngokuqinisekileyo kunciphisa umgangatho wokudibana kwesibini ngokuphelisa iimvakalelo zothando ukuya kuthi ga kwinqanaba apho kungekho nto ngaphandle komsindo wokungakhathali, kunye nobukrakra obukhoyo phakathi kwabo. Uqhawulo mtshato okanye okubi (ukuqhubeka kobudlelwane obufileyo) kunokwenzeka ukuba kulandele.

Umphandi owaziwayo womtshato uJohn Gottman uye wafunda amawaka ezibini eSeattle "Love Lab" kwaye wafumanisa ukuba ezi ndidi zezibini awazibonayo: "ezisebenzayo, ezingazinzanga kwaye ezingavumiyo" yayiliqela lesithathu, abo babephepha, ababesemngciphekweni omkhulu ukungabinampumelelo kwimitshato. Ukusilela kwabo ukulungisa imiba enokubangela iyantlukwano kudale isiprofeto sokuzizalisekisa ngokungacetywanga ngokubangela iyantlukwano engakhathalelwanga ukuba yehle kwaye ichithe oko uGottman akubiza ngokuba "yinkqubo yothando".

Ngelixa izibini ezingazinzanga zinokufumana ukuhlangana okunzulu okunokuthi ngamanye amaxesha kube buhlungu komnye okanye kubo bobabini, ukulungisa ukungqubana ngokuthe ngqo, nokuba kungenandlela ethile kungcono kunokuba kuthintelwe ukwamkelwa kokungafani kwaphela. Akumangalisi ukuba uGottman afumanise ukuba izibini ezisebenzayo ziba yimpumelelo enkulu ekugcineni ubudlelwane bexesha elide kunye nomnye. Nangona kunjalo babenezabelo zabo kwiiyantlukwano ezazifuna ukulungiswa. Umahluko omninzi phakathi kweli qela namanye kukuba bebengakulungelanga nje ukwamkela nokujongana nemicimbi xa ivele phakathi kwabo, kodwa bayiphendula ngezinga eliphezulu lobuchule kwaye bakwazi ukusombulula iyantlukwano (okanye kwezinye iimeko bafunde phila ngumahluko ongenakulungiswa) ngokufanelekileyo nangokufanelekileyo.

Ezi zibini azingeni kubudlelwane bazo nezakhono zolawulo lwengxabano ezaziphuhlisiwe ngaphambili. Into abayizisayo kulwalamano lwabo kukuzimisela ukufunda, ukungafihli nto kwiimvakalelo neenkxalabo zabanye, kunye nokuzibophelela ekuziseni inqanaba eliphezulu lokunyaniseka, intlonipho kunye nokunyaniseka kubudlelwane babo. Le njongo izalwa kukuxabisa hayi kuphela iqabane lomntu ngamnye, kodwa nexabiso langaphakathi lolwalamano ngokwalo. Olu xabiso ludala imo efanayo "yokukhanya okukhanyisiweyo" apho iqabane ngalinye likhuthazwa ngumnqweno wokuphucula impilo yomnye ekuqondeni ukuba ngokwenza oko baphucula impilo yabo kwinkqubo.

Njengokuba izibini zibandakanya ezi njongo ziye zingancamathelani kukhetho lwazo kwaye zithambekele ekulawuleni ngabom omnye komnye, iyantlukwano ayipheli; zisuka zibe yingxaki encinci kwaye zingabaluleki kangako. Xa ezi zibini zizifumana zikungquzulwano, kwaye zisenzeka amaxesha ngamaxesha, unxibelelwano lwazo ngelixa zinomdla, zisenokwenzeka ukuba zingonakalisi kwaye zihlala zivelisa iziphumo ezilungileyo ezomeleza ubudlelwane bazo. Le ndlela yokulawula ungquzulwano okanye "umlo owaziyo" uquka ezi zikhokelo zilandelayo:

1. Ukuzimisela ukwamkela ukuba umahluko ukhona kulwalamano kunye nokuchonga uhlobo lomahluko.
2. Isizathu esichaziweyo kuwo omabini amaqabane ukuba basebenze kwisisombululo esanelisayo macala onke kwingxaki.
3. Ukuzimisela ukumamela elubala kwaye ungazikhuseli kwiqabane ngalinye njengoko livakalisa iinkxalabo zabo, izicelo kunye neminqweno yabo. Akukho ziphazamiso okanye "izilungiso" 'de isithethi sigqibe.
4. Umnqweno kumaqabane omabini wokuqonda ukuba kufuneka kwenzeke ntoni ukuze umntu ngamnye abenakho ukoneliseka ziziphumo.
5. Ukuzinikela ekuthetheni ngaphandle kokugxeka, ukugweba okanye ukugxeka kugxile kuphela kumava akho, iimfuno kunye neenkxalabo.

Le nkqubo inokuphindaphindwa de iqabane ngalinye livakalelwe kukuba linqanaba elonelisayo lokuqonda kunye / okanye isivumelwano senzekile kwaye kukho imvakalelo yokugqitywa kwethutyana okwabelwana ngawo omabini amaqabane. Phambi kokuphendula, kuluncedo ukuba umntu ngamnye abuyele okanye acacise into abayivileyo amaqabane abo njengoko kusenokufuneka njengoko kuqinisekisa ukuqonda okucacileyo nokuvisisanayo kweemfuno zabanye kunye neenkxalabo zabo.

Ukugqitywa akuthethi ukuba lo mbandela usonjululwe ngokusisigxina, kube kanye, kodwa endaweni yokuba kungabikho mpazamo, indlela engalunganga iphazanyisiwe, okanye uxinzelelo olwaneleyo kubudlelwane luye lwancitshiswa ukuvumela uxabiso kunye nokuqonda umbono weqabane ngalinye. Ukulindela ukuba iyantlukwano "kufanele" isonjululwe ngokupheleleyo emva konxibelelwano olunye kunokuseta izibini kwisiphazamiso esihlala sisebenza ukomeleza iimvakalelo zokuba netyala, iintloni kunye nenzondo ezihlala zandisa ukungangqinelani.

Ukongeza kumonde, ezinye iimpawu ezonyusa umlo wokungazazi ukuba sesichengeni, ukuthembeka, imfesane, ukuzibophelela, ukwamkelwa, inkalipho, umoya wokupha kunye nokuzibamba. Ngelixa bambalwa kuthi abangena kubudlelwane nezi mpawu zikhule ngokupheleleyo, ubuhlakani obuzinikeleyo bubonelela ngendawo efanelekileyo yokuziqhelanisa nokuzomeleza. Inkqubo inokufuna, kodwa inikwe izibonelelo kunye nemivuzo, kufanelekile umzamo. Zibonele ngokwakho.