Ngaba kufuneka uzithande ngaphambi komntu?

Kukho inkolelo eqhelekileyo yokuba, ukuze ubathande ngokwenene abanye abantu, kufuneka uzithande kuqala. Ukuze ube nolwalamano oluhle nolusempilweni nabanye, ngakumbi kubudlelwane bezothando, ukucinga kuyahamba, abantu kufuneka bakholelwe kuqala oko bona bangabantu abathandekayo bexabiso ngokwabo. Ewe, zonke izikolo zokucinga kuseto lonyango ngaphakathi kwengqondo ziye zajolisa kulo mbono, njengonyango olujolise kumntu kunye nonyango olusengqiqweni.

Kuthetha ukuthini ukuzithanda ngendlela engazukunceda wena wedwa kodwa nobudlelwane bakho nabanye? Kudala abaphandi begxile kumanqanaba aphezulu e ubuwena njengeyona ndlela iphambili abantu abaziva kamnandi ngayo ngokwabo. Njengoko kuxoxiwe kwizithuba zangaphambili apha, phezulu xa kuthelekiswa namanqanaba asezantsi okuzithemba ngokubanzi aqikelela abantu abalandela ukusondela kunye nonxibelelwano kubudlelwane babo bothando, ngakumbi xa bejamelene neemeko ezisongelayo (UMurray, Holmes, kunye noCollins, 2006).

Kodwa ukuzithemba kunokuba yintsikelelo edibeneyo xa kufikwa kubudlelwane. Ngokukodwa, phezulu ukuzithemba, nangona kunxulumene nokuziphatha okuhle kobudlelwane, kunxulunyaniswa nobuthathaka kuphela kubudlelwane bezempilo (I-Campbell kunye neBaumeister, 2004). Abantu banokuziphatha ngendlela etshabalalisayo kumaqabane olwalamano xa besiva ukuba abo bantu baboyikisile ukuzithemba kwabo ngandlela thile (okt, babathukile).

Ke abanye abantu banokuziva njani baqinisekile malunga nabo ayenzi iza nomngcipheko wokuzithemba okuphezulu? Kutshanje, abaphandi baqalisile ukuphanda uhlobo olwahlukileyo lokuzithanda, olubizwa ngokuba ukuzenzela imfesane , Njengomnye umthombo weemvakalelo ezizezakho ezinokuthi Uncedo ubudlelwane bezothando kunye nokungathandani ngokufanayo. Ukuba nemfesane kuwe kukuzijonga ngokwakho-kubandakanya neempazamo zakho- ngobubele nokwamkela, kwaye ungajongi kakhulu okanye uchongwe ngeemvakalelo ezingalunganga. Kubandakanya ukwamkela unxibelelwano lwakho nabanye abaninzi ehlabathini ekusenokwenzeka ukuba babekade bakho ngoku kwinqanaba lobomi babo (Neff, 2003). Ukuzenzela imfesane ngokubanzi kuxhomekeke ngokuqinisekileyo ekusebenzeni kwengqondo. Inxulunyaniswa neemvakalelo zentlalo-ntle; abantu abanovelwano baxela ukonwaba ngakumbi, ithemba, ukoneliseka bubomi, kunye nezinye iziphumo eziqinisekileyo zeemvakalelo xa kuthelekiswa nabo bazigweba ngokuqatha (umzekelo, uNeff, 2003).

Umsebenzi wamva nje ucebisa ukuba uvelwano lwakho kunokuba luncedo kakhulu kwiziphumo zobudlelwane. Ubume benceba yakho njengokwakha okuqaqambisa unxibelelwano lwabantu nabanye abantu kuya kuthetha ukuba ineziphumo ezilungileyo kubudlelwane obusondeleyo. Ngokusekwe kwesi sizathu, uNeff noBeretvas (2013) kuvavanye ukuba ukuba novelwano ngokwakho kunxulumene nokuziphatha okuhle kubudlelwane kwezothando, njengokukhathalela ngakumbi nokuxhasa amaqabane. Bafumene malunga ne-100 yezibini kwisifundo sabo kwaye bavavanya indlela iingxelo zabantu abazenzela imfesane ngayo ezixela kwangaphambili izimvo zamaqabane abo ngokuziphatha kwabo kubudlelwane. Bafumanise ukuba abantu abaninzi abanovelwano babonakalisa isimilo esihle sobudlelwane-njengokukhathalela ngakumbi nokuxhasa, kunye nokuthetha rhabaxa okanye ukulawula-kunabo babengenabubele kwaphela. Ngaphandle koko, abantu abanovelwano ngakumbi kunye namaqabane abo uxele amanqanaba aphezulu entlalontle yobomi.

Esi sibonelelo sibonakala sinabela kubudlelwane obungaphaya kobudlelwane bezothando ngokunjalo: Phantse abafundi beekholeji abangama-500 babhale malunga nexesha apho iimfuno zabo ziye zangqubana nezomntu obakhathaleleyo- umama wabo, utata, umhlobo osenyongweni, okanye iqabane elithandanayo. Abafundi emva koko banike ingxelo ngendlela abasombulule ngayo ungquzulwano, indlela abavakalelwa ngayo ngesisombululo, kunye neemvakalelo zabo zokuvavanya intlalontle yobudlelwane. Kuzo zonke iintlobo zobudlelwane ezivavanyiweyo, amanqanaba aphezulu okuba nemfesane ahambelana namathuba amakhulu okulungisa ukusombulula ukungavisisani; iimvakalelo ezinkulu zobunyani kunye nesiphithiphithi ngokweemvakalelo malunga nokusonjululwa kwembambano; kunye namanqanaba aphezulu entlalontle (Yarnell & Neff, 2013).

Ke kubonakala ngathi uyazithanda ngu indlela ebalulekileyo yokuphucula ukubanakho ukuthanda abanye abantu-kodwa ukuzithanda okubonakala ngathi kubaluleke kakhulu asikokuzithemba okuphezulu, okanye ukuziva ulungile malunga ngokwakho ; Kukukwazi kwakho ukuba nemfesane malunga ngokwakho kubalulekile, iziphene kunye nazo zonke.

ICampbell, iWK, kunye neBaumeister, R. F. (2004). Ngaba ukuthanda isiqu sakho kunyanzelekile ukuba uthande omnye? Uviwo lwesazisi kunye nolwalamano olusondeleyo. Ku-M. B. Brewer & M. Hewstone (Eds.), Ukuzazisa kunye nokuzazisa kwezentlalo (iphe. 78-98). Malden, MA: Ukupapashwa kweBlackwell.

UMurray, S. L., Holmes, J. G., kunye noCollins, N. L. (2006). Ukwandiswa kwesiqinisekiso: inkqubo yolawulo lomngcipheko kubudlelwane. Iibhulethini zengqondo, 132 (5), 641.

UNeff, K. (2003). Ukuzisizela: Olunye uluvo lwesimo sengqondo esifanelekileyo kuwe. Ukuzazi kunye neZazisi, 2, 85-101.

I-Neff, KD. & Beretvas, N. (2013) Indima yovelwano lokuzibandakanya kubudlelwane bezothando, isiqu sakho kunye nesazisi, 12: 1, 78-98.

IYarnell, L. M., kunye neNeff, K. D. (2013). Ukuzithemba, ukusombulula ukungaboni ngasonye phakathi kwabantu, kunye nokuba sempilweni. Ukuzazi kunye neZazisi, i-12 (2), 146-159.