Ukufunda Ukuthanda Nokuthandwa

Ukuthanda nokuthandwa akunikwa. Ihlabathi beliya kuba yindawo ebhetele kakhulu ukuba umntwana ngamnye oziswe kulo ebefunwa kwaye ethandwa-ukuba kungengaphambi kokuzalwa emva koko kungekudala emva kokuba ubukho balo buvakala. Oko, ngelishwa, akunjalo. Amabali oyikisayo, anje ngala achazwe kwizifundo eziGwenxa zaBantwana, zininzi, zichaza imiceli mngeni abajamelana nayo abantwana abangathandwayo. Iziphumo ezingaphephekiyo kukuba emva koko kufuneka bafunde ukunika kunye nokwamkela uthando. Ngenxa yokuba uthando yayingeyonto ababehlala beyazi, abazi ngokuzenzekelayo ukuba bangayenza njani kakuhle, ngakumbi xa kufikwa ekuzithandeni kwabo kwaye bazive bekufanelekile ukuthandwa ngomnye.

Okonwabisayo kukuba, amandla okuziva uthando kubonakala ngathi kunzima ukuba namandla okuhamba, ukuthetha, ukufunda, okanye ukudlala. Ezinye zeemeko zangaphakathi ezinje ngenkqubo yesandi sesixhobo sokuziva, ukungabikho kwintlungu, ukufikelela kwintuthuzelo enxulumene noko, kunye nokhuseleko olusisiseko kwingozi luvumela umntwana ukuba onwabele uyolo lokuchukumiseka, lokuphindaphinda kwimbongolo kunye nokuhleka, kokukwazi ukuxhomekeka emntwini omkhathaleleyo. yeemfuno ezingenako ukufezekiswa ngokuzimeleyo. “Isincamathiselo esikhuselekileyo,” ilitye lembombo lobudlelwane bothando, sikhula ngentembelo yokuba umntu othile uya kunika oko kufunekayo. Xa ukungahoywa, ukuxhatshazwa, okanye ukungcola kuthabathela indawo intuthuzelo esisiseko, umntwana ukhulisa ukuqonda okwahlukileyo kunye noseto lwezinto ezilindelweyo kubudlelwane.

Iimpembelelo zabantu zokunceda nokunikezela ngononophelo azinakucingelwa. Ububele obulula bomntu onika intuthuzelo okanye ingqalelo unoku (mis) uqondwe njengothando; mhlawumbi ukungaguquguquki okupheleleyo kunika ukuziva okukhuselekileyo okubizwa ngokuba "luthando." Kwezi meko, uthando luchazwa ngobuhlobo obunika ukhathalelo endaweni yenkohlakalo, ubuhlobo endaweni yokungaqiniseki, okanye uthando endaweni yokuncitshiswa. Uthando luchazwa ngamava akhupha imichiza-i-oxytocin (i-cuddle / i-hormone ekhathalayo), i-dopamine (imichiza yolonwabo), i-vasopressin (yomtsalane) okanye, emva kokufikisa, i-estrogen kunye ne-testosterone yenkanuko. Ukonwaba kokuziva wamkelwe kwaye uxabisiwe akukabikho.

Nangona kunjalo uthando lunokufundwa, ngakumbi xa sifikelela ebusheni, sifumana amandla okucinga kwangaphambili kunye neenjongo zokuqonda, kwaye sinokufunda ukuzithanda. Ngengqondo ekhulayo evumela ukubonakalisa kunye nokwandisa amava obomi enza indawo yesangqa esibanzi sentlalo, abantu bayakwazi ukuzijonga benomdla, ingqalelo, imfesane kunye nobubele.

• Ukufuna ukwazi, ukuzimisela ukuphonononga nokwamkela uluhlu olupheleleyo lweempendulo kunye neemvakalelo, kuzisa amandla okubulela ngayo yonke into iimvakalelo zethu kunye neemvakalelo zomzimba ezinokukufundisa ngamava omntu. Inokunyanzela umntu ukuba ajonge phantsi komphezulu wembonakalo, ukufumanisa into phantsi kwe-introvert cwaka okanye ukungabikho phantsi kwe-glitter. Ukuzama indima entsha, ukuphuhlisa isakhono esitsha, ukuphanda ngekamva elinokubakho kunokuzisa ukuthembeka kunye nolwalathiso lwangaphakathi kunye nokuzihlonela okuphakathi kokuzithanda.
• Ingqalelo luludwe lwesibini lokuzithanda. Ukuqwalaselwa kuthetha ukuvavanya oko kuzisa ulonwabo okanye ukunciphisa iintlungu kunye nokutyala imali ekuboneleleni ngazo zombini. Luhlobo lokuzithanda ngokulula olwenziwe ukukhumbula, ukubonakalisa, ukuzola. Ngokuthatha ixesha lokumamela umzimba kunye nokuhlonipha isidingo sokutya, ukusela, ukuhamba, ukwanda okanye ukwehla kukhuthazo, sifunda ukuchonga ezethu iimfuno, ukucalula phakathi kweemfuno kunye nezinto esizifunayo, kunye nokufumana iindlela zokuzikhathalela . Ukolulwa kweyoga kunokuba yimifano yokuzolula ngezinye iindlela; Ukuma ngokulinganayo kunokubonisa ulingano lwangaphakathi; ukuziqhelanisa rhoqo nobugcisa kunokwakha ukuziqeqesha. Iimfuno zethu zangaphantsi ziya kugxila xa sithoba isantya kwaye sinikele ingqalelo.
• Imfesane inokuba sisitshixo somlingo kukuzithanda. Uvelwano esivayo xa sizijonga ngothando olunemfesane lusivumela ukuba siqonde ukungafezeki kwethu kwaye samkele iminqweno yethu, iintshukumisa zethu, kwaye ngakumbi ukusikelwa kwethu umda. Singayeka ukwenza amabango angenangqondo kuthi ukuze sikholelwe ukuba siyathandeka. Ukufuna ukuba "ulungile ngokwaneleyo" ukuba ufanele uthando kufuneka usimeme kuphela ukuba sinyathele kwitrash yokugqibelela. Izazi zeengqondo ezininzi ezingenakubalwa zisibonisile ukuba "ukugqibelela" akukho kumava ethu oluntu. Umzekelo, uRoy Baumeister, ekuqhubeni iimvavanyo zakhe zetshokholethi ezaziwayo, wabonisa ukuba amandla asebenzayo asebenzisa amandla ethu emvakalelo. Ubonakalise ukuba ukuzeyisa akuphelelanga, kwaye siyaphelelwa emva kokuzidina ngokuziphatha okude. Komnye umzekelo, uSheldon Cohen, uBert Uchino, uJanice Kiecolt-Glaser, kunye noogxa babo abohlukeneyo, kuthotho lwezifundo ezahlukeneyo, bavavanya iindleko zomzimba zentlungu yeemvakalelo kunye nonxibelelwano olubi kubudlelwane obusondeleyo. Ngokwenza njalo, aba baphandi kunye nabanye babhale amajoni omzimba anobulumko obungaphaya kokungazichani kokungabikho komzimba. Njengokuba amaFrentshi esitsho, “ogqibeleleyo lutshaba lokulungileyo” —ukugqibelela akusekho kwaye inkolelo onokuyifumana iya kukhokelela ekusileleni.
• Izenzo zobubele ziindlela zokubonisa nokwakha ukuzithanda. Ngokusebenzisa iingcinga ezinobulali, imikhwa ehloniphayo, kunye nokuziphatha okukhulayo, sobabini sibonisa uthando kuthi kwaye sinyanzelekile ukuba sizivume iziphumo zayo. Isidima, ukonwaba kunye nokuzihlonipha uxwebhu lokuba ukuthanda ngumsebenzi ofanelekileyo.

Ukufuna ukwazi, ingqalelo, uvelwano nobubele, ezenziwa njengeendlela zokuzizukisa, zisivumela ukuba sakhe ubudlelwane obunothando nathi. Kwaye nje ukuba sifunde ukuzithanda, ukuziphatha ngenkathalo, ukungaguquguquki, kunye nothando, singazalathisa iintliziyo zethu zothando ngaphandle.

Zeziphi ezinye iintlobo zothando ezisilindeleyo?

• Singazithanda iintsana. Ulusu lwabo oluthambileyo, ivumba elimnandi, iintloko ezinkulu kunye nokuphendula xa iimfuno zabo zifezekisiwe zisimema ukuba sibathande. Okukhona izidalwa ezimbini zisazana, kokukhona izibophelelo zothando zingakhula. Njengoko amandla ethu esanda, sinokufikelela kuthando ngokubanzi nangokunzulu.
• Siyaluthanda usapho. Ngamaxesha athile. Amanye amalungu osapho ngaphezulu kwabanye. Kwaye usapho olukhethiweyo kunye nosapho ngegazi okanye iqhina elisemthethweni. Singafunda ukubathanda abo sabelana nabo kubomi bethu bemihla ngemihla ngenxa yokuvezwa kwethu kukungabikho kobunye.
• Siyabathanda abo sibakhathaleleyo. Kukho into malunga nokukhathalela omnye umntu oxhomekeke kuthi kulolokhathalelo olufikelela nzulu kumandla ethu okunika, ukwenza umahluko. Isivumela ukuba sibathande kwaye sithande nendlela esivakalelwa ngayo xa sikwazi ukwenza umahluko. Abakhathaleli bahlala bexela uvuyo oluhlala luhleli kunxibelelwano lwabo.
• Siyabathanda abahlobo. Iibhondi zobuhlobo ziluhlobo olukhethekileyo lothando, olunye apho sikhula khona kwaye sabelana ngalo njengoko ubomi bethu buguquka. Ekuhambeni koxinzelelo lwethu kunye nokuphumelela, ukwabelana ngemisebenzi kunye neembandezelo, siyawaxabisa amandla omnye nomnye kwaye sikhule kuwo. "Ithiyori yokwandiswa kothando" ephuhliswe ngu-Arthur no-Elaine Aron inokusebenza kubuhlobo kunye nakubudlelwane bothando.
• Siyazithanda izilwanyana zethu. Ubudlelwane phakathi kwesilwanyana sasekhaya kunye nomniniyo bunokubangumlinganiso, ngakumbi xa isilwanyana sibonisa uhlobo lokuncamatheliswa oluza ngokulula kwezinye izilwanyana. Emva kokuba ndingumhlolokazi, ubudlelwane bam ne-bichon yam bandinika into yokuzalisa zonke iindawo ezingenanto ezazizaliswe luthando. Kwilabhoratri yakhe yeCanine Cognition, uprofesa waseYale uLaurie Santos ubonakalisile ukubopha okungafaniyo nezinja abanako ukuba neenkosi zabo kunye neenkosi zabo; ILabhoratri yaseCanine Cognition eDuke ilandelele imithombo yezi bond phantsi kweengcambu zazo.
• Siyazithanda iinkanuko zethu. UMihalyi Csikszentmihaly wapapasha incwadi yakhe yokuqala malunga nemeko “yokuhamba,” ukubandakanyeka ngokupheleleyo kwimisebenzi apho inkanuko iba sisikhuthazi sayo, ngo-1975. Kwalandela umkhukula wokuqinisekisa uphando. Ukuzinikezela kwethu kwimisebenzi esiyithandayo kuzisa izibonelelo ezingenakubalwa ezihambelana nezo ezinye iintlobo zothando.
• Siyazithanda iindawo. Singanamathela ngokulula kwindawo enentsingiselo ethile kuthi. Nokuba kungenxa yembali yethu kuloo ndawo okanye impendulo yethu yobuhle kuyo. Intsimi yesayikholoji yendalo esingqongileyo iphonononga olu thando. Abanye abaphengululi bade bathi siphrinta kwijografi apho sizalelwa khona kwaye sitsaleleke ngonaphakade kwimeko efanayo. Ngendlela encinci, abantu banokwenza ikhaya abalithandayo kwaye baqinisekise ukuba liyabanceda ukuba bafikelele kwisondlo somzimba nomphefumlo.
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  Ukuba ubomi bakho abuzange buqale kwinqaku eligcwele uthando kunye nengqwalaselo, ungalahli ithemba. Uthando lunokufundwa, kwaye ungonwabela kungekuphela ukuluva, ulunike, kwaye wabelane ngalo, kodwa ulufundise. Yiyiphi eyona ntsikelelo inkulu onokuyifumana?

  Ilungelo lokushicilela 2019: Roni Beth Tower.

  UCsikszentmihalyi, M., Abuhamdeh, S., Elliot, A. kunye noNakamura, J. (2005). Incwadana yesakhono kunye nenkuthazo. Imithombo yeendaba yaseGuilford.

  UCsikszentmihalyi, uMihaly (1975). Ngaphandle kwesithukuthezi kunye nexhala: Ukufumana amava okusebenza kunye nokudlala, ESan Francisco: UJossey-Bass. I-ISBN 0-87589-261-2