Ngaba ufanele ulindele okungakumbi kubudlelwane bakho, okanye ngaphantsi?

Sonke sinolindelo kubudlelwane bethu bothando. Kodwa kufuneka sibe njalo ukukhulisa okanye ukuthoba olo lindelo? Ngaba kungcono ukubeka imigangatho yethu ephezulu, ke siyakhuthazeka ukuba sisebenzele ekudaleni olona lwalamano lubalaseleyo? Okanye kungcono ukugcina ulindelo lwethu lukhangele, ukuze singaphoxeki xa ubudlelwane bujika bungagqibi?

Isakhelo esiluncedo sokucinga ngalo mbuzo saphakanyiswa nguEli Finkel kunye noogxa bakhe: "Imodeli yokuSuffocation." ¹ Batsho ukuba umtshato wale mihla uye wanyanzeleka kuba silindele ukuba uzalisekise iimfuno zengqondo eziphezulu kwaye siqala "ukufuthanisela" ngelixa silandela ezi "mfuno ziphakamileyo". Kwixesha elidlulileyo, umtshato wawusekwe ekuqwalaselweni ngokubonakalayo njengokukhulisa usapho, kunye nokuhlangabezana nemfuno yethu yokuthandwa. Kodwa kumashumi eminyaka akutshanje, abantu sele beqalisile ukulindela okungakumbi emtshatweni-ngakumbi, uninzi lwethu ngoku lulindele ukuba ubudlelwane bethu buya kuzalisekisa zixabise iimfuno (ukuzithemba nokuzazisa) kunye neyethu ukuzenzela ngokwakho iimfuno , ezinje ngokubonelela ngamathuba okukhula komntu kunye nokusinceda ukuba sibe kuko konke esinako.

NgokukaJames McNulty, imodeli yokufuthaniselwa inokusetyenziselwa ukuqonda imigangatho yobudlelwane kuba igxininisa ukubaluleka kokungalindelanga nje kuphela, kodwa ukuba ingena njani kwimeko enkulu yobudlelwane. ² Abanye abantu abatshatileyo, nokuba bakhuthazekile kakhulu ukuba baphucule ubudlelwane babo, basenokungakwazi ukwenza njalo. Ngaphandle koxinzelelo, imiba yobuntu, kunye nezakhono zokunxibelelana nabantu ezinokwenza kube nzima ukuba ubudlelwane buphumelele. Ukulindela okuphezulu kunokubakhuthaza abantu ukuba basebenze nzima kubudlelwane babo-kodwa nokuba loo ntsingiselo iguqulela ekuphuculeni okwenyani kuxhomekeke kubuchule besibini sokwenza olo tshintsho lwenzeke. Kwaye njengoko abantu belindele ngakumbi nangakumbi kubudlelwane babo, zimbalwa izibini ezinokuba nezakhono eziyimfuneko.

Ukuvavanya le hypothesis, uMcNulty wafunda izibini ezitshatileyo ezili-135, ezazitshate iinyanga ezintandathu okanye ngaphantsi. ² Ezi zibini zafotwa ngelixa babeneengxoxo ezimbini malunga nengxaki kwindawo yomtshato wabo, kwaye bagqiba amanyathelo amabini emigangatho yobudlelwane. Ukongeza, iqabane ngalinye ligqibezele amanyathelo eengxaki zobudlelwane kunye nomgangatho womtshato rhoqo kwiinyanga ezintandathu ukuya kwezisibhozo kangangeminyaka emine.

Imilinganiselo yobudlelwane bomlingane yalinganiswa ngeendlela ezimbini: Okokuqala, bakala ukuba kubaluleke kangakanani kubo ukuba ubudlelwane babo bahlangane neempawu ezinokuthi zithathelwe ingqalelo "njengendawo ephezulu" -iimpawu ezithile ezivavanyiweyo kubandakanya ukuthembeka, ukuzibophelela, inkathalo, inkxaso, intlonipho, ukonwaba, umceli mngeni, ukonwaba, ukuzimela, kunye nomdla.Baphinda bakala ukuba zibaluleke kangakanani iindawo ezili-17 kubudlelwane kuzo, kubandakanya unxibelelwano, ukulawula imali, isondo kunye nokuzimela.

Injongo ephambili yophando yayikukufumanisa ukuba ukubanakho kwesibini sokuphucula ubudlelwane babo kuya kugqiba ukuba ulindelo oluphezulu yayingumsindisi wolwalamano okanye ulungiso lwayo. Ezi zakhono zobudlelwane zalinganiswa ngeendlela ezimbini: Enye ibandakanya ukufaka iikhowudi kwiingxoxo zaselabhoratri ezirekhodiweyo zongquzulwano. Iikhowudi zijonge izibini ngeempawu zokuziphatha okungalunganga ngokungathanga ngqo, uhlobo lokuziphatha okungqubanayo oluye lwabonakaliswa ngokubanzi ukuba luyingxaki. Ezi ndlela zokuziphatha zibandakanya ukugxeka ngokungathanga ngqo okanye imiyalelo ebandakanya ukwenza uqikelelo malunga nesimo sengqondo seqabane lakho (umzekelo, "Ndiyazi ukuba uziva njani ngale nto"); imibuzo enobutshaba (umzekelo, "Ndikuxelele ntoni ngale nto?"); ukuphepha uxanduva (umzekelo, "andinakukunceda, yile ndlela ndiyiyo); kunye nokuhlekisa.

Izakhono zavavanywa ngokumisela ukuba zazinzima kangakanani iingxaki zesibini ekuqaleni komtshato wabo. Izibini zacelwa ukuba zilinganise ubungakanani bendawo ezili-17 ezahlukeneyo ezinokuba yingxaki kubudlelwane babo (umzekelo, imali, abasebukhweni, isini, iziyobisi / utywala). Nangona iingxaki zolwalamano zinokubangelwa yimigangatho ephezulu, zithathiwe ukuba zibe sisalathiso sendlela abakwazileyo ukwenza ngayo oku ukujongana ngeengxaki ekuqaleni komtshato wabo, kwaye ke oko kubonakalisa izakhono zobudlelwane.

Ngaba ulindelo oluphezulu lulungile kwezinye izibini hayi abanye?

Iziphumo zibonise ukuba kwizibini ezinesakhono esingalunganga sobudlelwane-ababeziphethe ngendlela engathanga ngqo ngexesha leengxoxo zongquzulwano, okanye babeneengxaki ezinzima ukuqala ngazo-ulindelo oluphezulu lwalunxulunyaniswa ulihlwempu umgangatho womtshato. Kwezi zibini, ukulindelwa okuphezulu kwakunzima ukuhlangabezana nako, kwaye kusenokwenzeka ukuba baphela bephoxekile kwaye bekhathazekile.

Izibini ezinesakhono sobudlelwane esingcono zibonise ipateni echaseneyo: Ukulindela okuphezulu kunxulunyaniswa ngcono umgangatho womtshato. Ke kwizibini ezitshatileyo unayo Isakhono sokuphucula ubudlelwane babo, ukulindelwa okuphezulu kunokuba sisikhuthazi ekusebenziseni izakhono zabo kwaye ngokwenene kuphuculwe umgangatho wobudlelwane babo.

Oku kuthetha ntoni kwizibini ezifuna ukonwaba?

Icebisa iindlela ezimbini ezinokubakho: Izibini zingasebenza kwizakhono zazo, ukuze zikwazi ukufikelela kulindelo lwazo-kwaye eli lisoloko licebo elikhuthazwa ziingcali zeengcebiso kubudlelwane kunye neengcali zonyango.

Kodwa olu phando lutsha lubonisa ukuba izibini zinokufuna ukuqaphela ukuthoba imigangatho yabo . Oko kunokuba ngathi "ukuyeka" kulwalamano. Kodwa ayifanelanga ukuba iyathetha loo nto.

Khawufane ucinge ngeli cebiso linye lisetyenziselwa ukoneliseka ngakumbi ngumzimba wakho: Ungaqala ukulandela ngokungqongqo iingcebiso zokutya zokunciphisa umzimba kunye nokugqibezela imithambo enokubonisa imeko yengxaki zakho. Ukuphuhlisa ezi zakhono kuya kuzisa umzimba wakho ngakumbi ngokuhambelana nemigangatho yakho, kwaye mhlawumbi wandise ukoneliseka komzimba wakho. Kodwa ungathoba imigangatho yakho uthi, “Ayibalulekanga kangako kum into yokuba ndineepakethi ezintandathu.” Kwaye olo tshintsho lwesimo sengqondo luya kukwenza waneliseke ngakumbi ngomzimba wakho.

Oku akuthethi ukuba ungalindeli nto kubudlelwane bakho; Endaweni yoko, unokufuna ukuthathela ingqalelo ukutshintsha kwemigangatho yakho ukuze ungalindeli ukuba iqabane lakho likwazi ukuhlangabezana nazo zonke iimfuno zakho likufezekise ngokupheleleyo.

Ke zibuze: Ngaba "uyaxinana" njengoko uzama ukufezekisa ulindelo oluphezulu kulwalamano lwakho?

UGwendolyn Seidman, Ph.D. nguNjingalwazi onxulumene nesayikholoji kwiAlbright College ofunda ubudlelwane kunye ne-cyberpsychology. Mlandele ku-Twitter ngohlaziyo malunga nesayensi yezentlalo, ubudlelwane, kunye nokuziphatha kwi-Intanethi, kwaye ufunde ngakumbi amanqaku akhe kwiiNdibano eziValiweyo.

Izalathiso

^{1 UFinkel, E. J., Hui, C. M., Carswell, K. L., kunye noLarson, G. M. (2014). Ukuxinana komtshato: Ukunyuka kweNtaba iMaslow ngaphandle kweoksijini eyaneleyo. Uphando lwezeengqondo, 25, 1-41.}

^{2 UMcNulty, J. K. (2016). Ngaba amaqabane kufuneka afune okungaphantsi emtshatweni? Umbono kwimeko yokuchaphazeleka kwemigangatho yokunxibelelana. Ubuntu kunye neBulletin yezeNtlalontle yezeNtlalontle, i-42, 444-457.}