Iilensi ezintathu esijonga ngazo uMtshato

Kukhetho olusandula ukwenziwa kwi Iindaba zaseDallas zasekuseni , UDavid Brooks uxoxe ngento ayibiza ngokuba ziilensi ezintathu apho inkcubeko ithandwa ukujonga umtshato. Iilensi zengqondo zigxile kwimicimbi yokuhambelana (umzekelo, ubuntu, ubushushu, iimali, inkanuko yesini). Oku kuthetha kwinto endihlala ndibhekisa kuyo njengengxaki ephambili kubudlelwane-oko kukuthi, babandakanya abantu. Kwaye njengoko sele uqaphele, ukujongana nabantu kunokuba nzima. Uninzi lolwalamano, ngaphandle kwemivuzo emininzi, ngamanye amaxesha luyadideka, luxanduva, luyacaphukisa, luphazamise, kwaye / okanye luphazamise. Oku kuphakamisa umbuzo wokuba ingaba uluntu lwaseMelika lunesisu kubudlelwane bokwenyani; Oko kukuthi, ubudlelwane apho amaqabane athabatha okungalunganga kokulungileyo.

Enye indlela yokujonga kule lens yokuqala ivela kumbono wokuncamathisela. Ukuncamathisela kubhekisa kumgangatho wokhuseleko kunye nokhuseleko kubudlelwane. Emtshatweni, ukhuseleko lwamaqabane olusuka kubudlelwane babo bokuqala kunye nolindelo lwabo lwezinto ezimbi ezenzekayo ziqhubela phambili kubambiswano lwabantu abadala. Oku kuthetha ukuba ukuba wena neqabane lakho nifumana imiba yokuhambelana, amathuba okuba omnye okanye nobabini nixhokonxa okuhle kunye neenkumbulo ezimbi kubudlelwane obudlulileyo. Ukuba anikuqondi oku kwaye nifunde ukwamkela nokuphathana — nanjengoko ninokukhulisa umntwana okanye niphathe isilwanyana sasekhaya — izikhalazo ngomsindo, uloyiko, ukunxaxha, ukunamathela, nokunye okunjalo kuya kuba sisizathu sokunikwa iingcebiso emtshatweni okanye ngolamlo.

Iilensi zesibini zeBrooks zigxile kuthando lothando. Kuphela yipesenti encinci yeemanyano ezisekwe kwezothando kuphela epasa uvavanyo lwexesha. Ngapha koko, inkcubeko yethu igcina iintsomi ezahlukeneyo zothando, ezinje ngokuba kukho umphefumlo omnye ngaphandle kwakho, kwaye kufuneka uzithande ngaphambi kokuba uthande omnye. Abantu abaninzi batshata ngenxa yothando ngokungathi leyo kuphela kwento enokubenza bahlale kunye. Kuyinyani ukuba indalo isibonelela nge-jet-fueled libido ekuqaleni kobudlelwane, kodwa oko akuqinisekisi ubudlelwane bexesha elide, nolonwabo. Inyani yile yokuba uthando oluvuthiweyo luphuhliswa ngokutyisa imihla ngemihla emtshatweni kunye nokuzinikela kubudlelwane, obonelela ngeoksijini evumela amaqabane ukuba aphile kwaye aphumelele kwiminyhadala yobomi.

Ndingummeli wento endiyibiza ngokuba bubudlelwane obukhuselekileyo. Oku kuthetha ukuba wena neqabane lakho nisebenza njengenkqubo yabantu ababini yengqondo ngendlela esebenzisana ngokupheleleyo, kunye, kunye nokukhumbula. Ngaphandle kwamathandabuzo, ukuba wena neqabane lakho nibeka ubudlelwane benu phambili kwaye nijolise kwimpilo-ntle yomnye nomnye niya kuvuna ezona zibonelelo zininzi kwixesha elifutshane nelide. Ngale ndlela, njengoko, njengoko ndithanda ukutsho, kumngxunya wempungutye kunye, apho ninemqolo omnye komnye kwaye ngokungathandabuzekiyo niphelise nakuphi na ukungazithembi okanye isoyikiso kubudlelwane.

Iilensi yesithathu yeyam, mhlawumbi yeyona ibalulekileyo. Apha, uBrooks uthetha ngendawo yokuziphatha, kwaye ngakumbi ukubaluleka kokungazingci. Xa amaqabane ebeka ulwalamano lwawo phambili kwaye alujonga njengerhanisi eya kuthi ibeke iqanda legolide, ngokungathi kunjalo, bathanda ukuligada ngokungathi ubomi babo buxhomekeke kulo. Ndiqinisekisa ukuba ubomi babo enyanisweni buxhomekeke kuyo. Ukuziphatha okuchazwe kukhuseleko macala lwento yesithathu-imeko-bume yesi sibini-ayibalulekanga kumaqabane kuphela kodwa nakubantwana babo nakubo bonke abanye kwindawo yabo. Inkqubo yomtshato lelona candelo lincinci kuluntu. Amaqabane omtshato ayisengabantu nje ngabanye; Endaweni yokuba babenegalelo kumdibaniselwano oza kuthi emva koko abanike oko bakudingayo ukuze baphumelele ebomini, ngaphakathi nangaphandle kobudlelwane.

Le lens ijolise kwisithathu esikhulu kunamaqabane ngokwawo. Ngandlela thile, ubudlelwane bunokuhlonitshwa ngendlela amaqabane abelana ngayo ngokuhlonela uThixo okanye umntwana wabo. Amava anokuba ngokwasemoyeni.

Ndiyathanda ukubuza izibini ukuba zikulungele ukuvela njengenkqubo yabantu ababini apho ukuzingca kungagqithisi okuhle. Ngelishwa, kumava am, izibini ezininzi ziselwandle xa kufikwa ekuphenduleni eyona mibuzo ibalulekileyo: Iyintoni injongo yokutshata? Wenza ntoni omnye komnye ongenakukwazi ukuhlawula omnye umntu ukuba akwenze? Yintoni ebangela ukuba nobabini nibaluleke kangaka? Ukhonza ntoni? Ukhonza bani? ” Le yimibuzo yokuziphatha okuhle. Ngelixa umhlalutyi wezopolitiko uDavid Brooks esebenzisa le lens ukucacisa ukuwohloka komgangatho womtshato, ndikhetha ukubona kuwo umfanekiso ocacileyo wobulumko, imfundo ehambelanayo emtshatweni enokusikhokelela kubudlelwane obusebenzayo obukhuselekileyo.

Izalathiso

I-Brooks, D. (2016, Feb. 24). Kutheni umgangatho womtshato ophakathi uyehla. Iindaba zaseDallas zasekuseni . Ukufunyanwa kwi-http: //www.dallasnews.com/opinion/latest-columns/20160224-david-brooks-why-the-quality-of-the-average-marriage-is-in-decline.ece

UTatkin, S. (2012). Inentambo yothando: Ukuqonda kwengqondo yeqabane lakho kunokukunceda uthomalalise ukungqubana kunye nokuvuselela ulwalamano. I-Oakland, CA: IHarbinger eNtsha.

UTatkin, S. (2016). Wired for dating: Ukuqonda njani i-neurobiology kunye nesimbo sokuncamathisela kunokukunceda ufumane iqabane lakho elifanelekileyo . I-Oakland, CA: IHarbinger eNtsha.

UStan Tatkin, i-PsyD, i-MFT, ngumbhali Wired for Love and Wired for Dating and Your Brain on Love, kunye ne-coauthor yoLuthando kunye neMfazwe kubudlelwane obusondeleyo. Unomsebenzi weklinikhi kwi-CA eseMazantsi, ufundisa eKaiser Permanente, kwaye uncedisa unjingalwazi kwezonyango e-UCLA. UTatkin uphuhlise indlela ye-Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy® (PACT) kwaye kunye nenkosikazi yakhe, uTracey Boldemann-Tatkin, baseka iZiko lePACT.