Kutheni le nto kungekho nto inika umdla ngakumbi kwezothando kunokuba uzolile

“Undinika ifiva xa undiphuza, Fever xa undibambile wandiqinisa,
Umkhuhlane kusasa, Fever ubusuku bonke. ” -U-Peggy Lee

Uthando lwezithandani luhlala lunxulunyaniswa nolonwabo olukhulu. Ngelixa ngokuqinisekileyo kunokuba ngoluhlobo, ndiyakholelwa ukuba kuluntu lwethu lwangoku olukhawulezayo, ukuzola lulonwabo olutsha.

Iifom zothando lwothando

Uthando lokwenene aluyonto eqinileyo, evuthayo, engxamisekileyo. Oko, ngokuchaseneyo, into ezolileyo kwaye inzulu. Ijonga ngaphaya kwangaphandle, kwaye itsalwa ziimpawu kuphela. Ibubulumko kwaye iyacalula, kwaye ukuzinikela kwayo kuyinyani kwaye kuhlala kunjalo. ” -U-Ellen G. White

Iimvakalelo zihlala zithelekiswa neenkqwithela kunye nomlilo: Zizinto ezingazinzanga, ezinamandla ezibonisa ukonwaba kunye nokuphazamiseka. Iimvakalelo ziveliswa xa sibona utshintsho olukhulu okanye utshintsho olunokwenzeka kwimeko yethu (UBen-Ze'ev, 2000). Bavame ukukhulisa iimeko kwaye bazenze zibonakale zingxamisekile, esivumela ukuba sihlanganise izixhobo zethu.

Olu phawu lukwasebenza kwiinkcazo zothando lomntu. Njengoko u-Betsy Prioleau (2003: 14) esithi, "Uthando luya kuntywila emanzini amileyo. Kufuneka luvuseleleke ngokuthintelwa kunye nobunzima kwaye luchwechwe ngokumangala." Ngenxa yoko, "Yintoni enikiweyo ayifunwa." Sicinga ukuba uthando olululo luqukethe ulonwabo oluhlala luhleli kunye neemvakalelo ezingalalanisi, olo thando alwazi manqanaba ahlukeneyo kwaye akufuneki luyekelele.

Olu phawu lungentla luyinyani ngokubhekisele kuhlobo oluthile lweemvakalelo-imvakalelo enzulu, egxile, ehlala ixesha elincinci. Utshintsho alunakuqhubeka ixesha elide; inkqubo yoluntu kungekudala ilwamkela utshintsho njengesiqhelo, imeko ezinzileyo kunye nokulungisa.

Kodwa kukwakho neemvakalelo ezingapheliyo, ezinokuqhubeka ebomini. Imvakalelo engapheliyo inokuziguqula ngokusisigxina izimo zethu zengqondo kunye nokuziphatha. Ukugqabhuka ngumsindo kunokuhlala ixesha elide, kodwa usizi ngokuswelekelwa ngumntu omthandayo luhlala luhleli, lubala imibala yeemvakalelo zethu, isimilo, ukukhula, kunye nendlela esidibana ngayo nexesha nendawo. Uthando lwendoda ekudala luthanda iqabane lalo alunakubandakanya iimvakalelo eziqhubekayo, kodwa luchaphazela isimo sayo sengqondo kunye nokuziphatha kwayo nakwabanye.

Ayizizo zonke iimvakalelo zesaqhwithi ezinokuthi zijike zibe ziimvakalelo ezinyamezelayo, kodwa uthando lwesini luyakwazi. Kule meko, sinako ukwahlula phakathi kobunzulu bothando kunye nobuninzi. Ubunzulu bothando kukukrola umfanekiso wamava othando ngalo mzuzu; ibhekisa kwinqanaba lomzuzwana lomnqweno, ngokufuthi ngokwesondo, umnqweno. Inexesha elifutshane, kodwa akukho phuhliso lubalulekileyo.

Ezothando ubuninzi ngamava aqhubekayo othando abonisa ubungqongqo rhoqo kunye namava anyamezelayo athi aphuhlise kwaye aphucule ukukhula komthandi ngamnye kunye nolwalamano lwabo. Olo thando luvavanywa ikakhulu ngokuphunyezwa konxibelelwano olunentsingiselo, kubandakanya imisebenzi edibeneyo kunye namava okwabelana ngemvakalelo. Ixesha lihle kwaye lilungele ubuninzi bezothando, kunye nokutshabalalisa ukunyaniseka kothando.

Uchulumanco olunzulu

"Inzondelelo yimincili ngokhuthazo, inkuthazo, kunye nentwana yobuchule bokuyila." —Bo Bennett

Uhlobo lwamandla endiwutsalayo luzolile. ” —UJulia Roberts

Sinokuthi ulonwabo ayisiyomvakalelo nje emfutshane, inkanuko ebandakanya kuphela uthando olunamandla; inokuba yinxalenye yobudlelwane obuqhubekayo, obunzulu bothando. Ukuba uchulumanco lubandakanya umnqweno wokufunda ngakumbi ngomntu kwaye ubandakanyeke ngakumbi emntwini, kufuneka sicinge ukuba ixesha linokunyusa umdla. Inzondelelo, yexesha elide inokubandakanya amazwe amafutshane omnqweno onamandla. Siyakwazi ukwahlula phakathi kokungakhathali, imincili yovuyo kunye nenzulu, imincili ezolileyo.

Njengoko uluvo loxolo oluzolileyo lunokubonakala ngathi luyi-oxymoron, ndiza kucacisa: Ukuzola yimvakalelo ngokubanzi apho ukuphazamiseka kungabikho. Xa "ukuzola" kusetyenziswe ngokubhekisele kwimozulu, kubonisa imeko engenazo izaqhwithi, umoya omkhulu, okanye amaza omoya. Ukuzola akunazinto zimbi, njengokuphazamiseka, ukuphazamiseka, uvalo, ukuphazamiseka, okanye uxinzelelo; oko akuthethi ukuba ungonqeni okanye usilele ukwenza into okanye ukonwaba. Ngapha koko, ukuzola kubalulekile ukuze sonwabe. Kuba ukuzola okunzulu kunxulunyaniswa namandla angaphakathi, anamandla kwaye azinzisa.

Ekuhlalutyeni iimpawu eziqhelekileyo zeemvakalelo kunye neemoods, ukuqhubeka kwezinto ezimbini ezisisiseko semvakalelo-ukuqhubeka kokuvuselela inkqubela phambili kunye nokuqhubeka kokuthandeka-kufanelekile. URobert Thayer (1996) ucebisa ngokwahlulahlula ukuqhubeka kokuvuka kube ziindidi ezimbini-enye isusela kumandla uye ekudineni kwaye enye isuka kumaxesha okuzola. Yiyo loo nto sinezinto ezine ezisisiseko esichazayo: amandla okuzola, ukudinwa, amandla exesha, kunye nokudinwa. Nganye inokunxulunyaniswa nemeko ethile ekuqhubekekeni kobumnandi. Yiyo loo nto uThayer eyijonga imeko yamandla okuzola njengeyona meko intle, kunye nokudinwa okungoyena mntu ungathandekiyo. UThayer ubonakalisa ukuba abantu abaninzi bayasilela ukwahlula phakathi kwamandla okuzola kunye namandla exesha kuba bekholelwa oko nanini na banamandla, kukho inqanaba elithile lokuxinezeleka kwimeko yabo. UThayer uphawula ukuba uluvo lwamandla okuzola aluqhelekanga kubantu baseNtshona, kodwa hayi kubantu bezinye iinkcubeko.

Unika isicatshulwa esilandelayo esivela kwiZen master uShunryu Suzuki (1970: 46):

“Ukuzola kwengqondo akuthethi ukuba umele uyeke umsebenzi wakho. Ukuzola kwangempela kufanele kufumaneke kulo msebenzi ngokwawo. Kulula ukuzola xa ungenzi nto, kodwa ukuzola xa usenza okuthile kukuzola kokwenene. ”

Olu hlobo lokuzola okuguqukayo lunokufumaneka kwimisebenzi enzulu, engaphakathi, eyenziwayo yokukhula komntu. Njengoko imisebenzi enjalo inika umdla, singathetha ngovuyo olunzulu lokuzola.

Ukuqola kunye nokuzola imincili

"Kuyandibetha ukuba 'siziphatha' (eneneni, asiziphathi) njengolutsha; asinako ukuzama ukuzama ukuziphatha ngokungathi singabantu abadala abavuthiweyo? Ndiva ngathi ndineminyaka engamashumi amabini kwakhona." -Umfazi otshatileyo kwisithandwa sakhe esitshatileyo (bobabini bakwiminyaka yama-50)

Ukuqola kubonakala kusenza ngokuchasene nobutsha kunye nemincili; abantu abatsha bathathwa njengeemvakalelo ngakumbi kunabantu abadala. Ukuqina kwexesha elifutshane lokuthandana kuqhelekile kukutshintshwa, utshintsho lwenoveli, ngelixa uthando lwexesha elide lusekwe kuphuhliso lwangaphakathi oluqhelekileyo. Kwiziko langaphambili yinto engalawulekiyo; embindini wokugqibela kukuzola (uxolo, ukuzola), okubandakanya ukukhula (UMogilner, et al., 2011).

Ukujonga lo mahluko, inkolelo eqhelekileyo yokuba "ulonwabo luyancipha ngokuhamba kweminyaka" ifunyenwe ibubuxoki. Ngokuchasene noko, uphando lubonisa ukuba abantu abadala bayinyani ndonwabe ngakumbi kwaye Kaninzi wanelisekile bubomi babo kunabantu abatsha. Enye inkcazo enokwenzeka kukuba xa siqonda ukuba iminyaka yethu ibaliwe, siyayitshintsha indlela esijonga ngayo kwaye sijolise ekugxileni kumava akhoyo ngoku. Kule meko, amava ethu ngokweemvakalelo kunokwenzeka ngakumbi ukuba abe nokuzola. USonja Lyubomirsky, xa eshwankathela oku kufunyanisiweyo, uphawula ukuba kubantu abaninzi, "eyona minyaka ilungileyo" ikwisiqingatha sesibini sobomi (ILyubomirsky, 2013; jonga noCarstensen, 2009; UCarstensen, et al., 2011).

Kufunyenwe ukuba abantu abadala babona amaqabane abo njengabafudumeleyo ngexesha lokungaboni ngasonye kunye nemisebenzi yokusebenzisana kunye nokunika ingxelo ukoneliseka okuphezulu emtshatweni. Izibini ezitshatileyo ezindala zineembambano ezimbalwa zomtshato kunabalingane babo abancinci, nangona benika ingxelo yokuba amaqhina e-erotic awabalulekanga ebomini babo. Uthando oludibeneyo, olusekwe kubuhlobo, lubonakala luyinto ebalulekileyo kubomi babo. Ngokubanzi, ubudlelwane obusondeleyo ebudaleni buyahambelana kwaye buyanelisa (IBerscheid, 2010; UCharles noCarstensen, 2009).

Ukuzola kwimisebenzi yokuthandana

“Ezothando zisaqhwithi. Uthando luzolile. ” -UMason Cooley

Amava othando olunzulu anemisebenzi ebonakalayo enomdla, ephuhlisa ukukhula kwesithandwa ngasinye kunye nokudibana kwabo.Ubutyebi buhlala bunxulunyaniswa nobunzima. Ukuthanda umntu kakhulu kubandakanya isimo sengqondo esibanzi esiqonda ubutyebi, intsingiselo, kunye nobunzima bendalo yothandekayo. Isimo sengqondo esingaqondakaliyo ngomntu kukubona umntu ngendlela elula kunye nenomkhethe, ukungahoyi iimpawu ezinzulu zomntu.

Ubuninzi bezithandani buchasene nelahleko yamandla enokuthi yenzeke ngexesha. Xa uthando lunzulu, izinto ezenziwa ngabantu abathandanayo zinokuhlala zizolile kodwa zibe ziyonwabisa. Ukuzola kwezothando kunxulunyaniswa nokuthembana okunzulu okukhoyo kubudlelwane bothando; uchulumanco luvela kwimvakalelo yokuphuhla kunye nokufumana okona kulungileyo kuwe kunye neqabane lakho.

Ukuqwalaselwa apha ngasentla kungasombulula ingxaki abantu abanayo xa befuna ukuthandana Zombini inika umdla kwaye izinzile. Abantu bathanda uthando lwabo lokuthandana ukuba lube mnandi; Bafuna ukuziva bephila ngokupheleleyo kwaye bonwabile. Isaci sencoko egumbini lokuncokola elinomxholo othi "Utshatile kwaye udlala ngothando" sithi "Utshatile, Awufanga" - eli gumbi lokuncokola lithembisa ukwenza amalungu alo "azive ephila kwakhona." Kodwa olu hlobo lokonwaba alubandakanyi inzondelelo eqhubekayo, ukuvunywa, okanye umdla wokwazi ngakumbi ngomnye. Ngothando olunzulu, unokuphulukana nolonwabo, kodwa ufumane ixesha elide, uzolile olubandakanya ukwazi kunye nokunxibelelana.

Ngaba ukhetha uhlobo olunjani lwemincili?

“Ndifumene isimangaliso sothando (esitsha, esitsha) ngokufunyanwa koxolo olungummangaliso oluphuphuma kum. Konke kuzolile, kuzolile, akukho xinzelelo kunye noloyiko. " -UYehuda Ben-Ze'ev

Kuluntu olungazinzanga olusekwe kwisantya kunye nokusebenza kakuhle, sigutyungelwe yimincili engaphezulu. Abantu abacothayo nabanzulu bahlala bexhoba lokuhamba ngokukhawuleza; abantu abakhawulezayo nabangakhathaliyo banomphetho. Iinethiwekhi zentlalo zenza unxibelelwano phakathi kwabantu ngokukhawuleza kwaye zingaphantsi, zinciphise ubuninzi bezothando kwaye zonyuse ingxaki yokuba nesizungu, engaveliswa kukusilela konxibelelwano lwasentlalweni, kodwa kukusilela inentsingiselo, inzulu unxibelelwano lwasentlalweni.

Uluntu lwangoku lusinika intabalala yolonwabo, kodwa lincinci kakhulu uchulumanco. Indlela engaphezulu iyathandeka kwaye ibonakala inika amathuba amaninzi. Ukuleqa imincili emfutshane, nangona kunjalo, kuhlala kuyingxaki kwaye ayisosisombululo. Xa la mava esenzeka rhoqo, kunokuba yinto enesithukuthezi nokudana.

Ngokuqinisekileyo andilikhanyeli ixabiso lamaqhwithi, amava amnandi, ahlala emnandi kakhulu. Andikukhanyeli ukuba kukho urhwebo phakathi kovuyo lwangaphandle kunye nobuninzi bezothando; Nangona kunjalo, ayisiyiyo urhwebo phakathi kovuyo olukhulu kunye ukungabikho yolonwabo. Endaweni yoko, ukhetho lwethu luphakathi kokunqaba, imixholo emifutshane yovuyo olungenamsebenzi kunye amava aqhubekayo yemincili enzulu.

Njengokuba siphila ixesha elide, kwaye uluntu lwethu lusinika intabalala yamava, amava abangel 'umdla, ixabiso lezinto ezinzulu, nolonwabo lonyuke kakhulu. Ukuze sonwabe kule mihla, akukho mfuneko yokuba sibe namava ongezelelekileyo, namava amnandi. Endaweni yoko, sidinga ukubanakho ukuseka, ukugcina, kunye nokonyusa imincili enzulu, nokuzola. Kwiimeko ezininzi, kufuneka sikhethe ubuninzi kwaye sikuqonde ukuzola njengoyolo olutsha lothando.

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