Kutheni le nto uMama angamsika umntwana wakhe ebomini bakhe?

• Uphando lubonisa ukuba, ngexa abaninzi bephepha ukuthetha ngayo ngenxa yehlazo ekuhlaleni, ukwahlulwa komzali nomntwana kunokuba yinto eqhelekileyo njengoqhawulo-mtshato, kwaye xa iqalwa ngumzali, yinto eqhelekileyo ngumama.
• Ixabiso elingaqondakaliyo linokuba sesona siqalo somandla phakathi koomama neentombi.
• Abantwana abadala banokujikeleza ngaphakathi nangaphandle kokuhlukaniswa nomzali iminyaka.
• Ukuxabana kwemida, ukuxoxisana, kunye neengxoxo zelifa zezinye zezinto ezibangela ukwahlukana.

Kude kube ngumxholo we-taboo kwaye ngokungalunganga uthathelwa ingqalelo kunqabile, ukwahlulwa kwabantwana kwabazali-ngabazali ekugqibeleni kukufumana ingqalelo efanelekileyo, enkosi kuphando olutsha. Kwaye kuqheleke kakhulu kunokuba ucinga; Ngapha koko, omnye umphengululi, uRichard Conti, uthethile ukuba inokuba yinto eqhelekileyo njengoqhawulo-mtshato, into leyo eyaphikiswayo lolunye uphando olwenziwe e-United Kingdom. Igazi, kuvela, alisoloko lityebile kunamanzi. Ulwahlulo ngalunye, ewe, luhlukile ngendlela yalo kodwa uphando lufumene ngokubanzi ngokubanzi malunga nenkqubo, izizathu zayo, kwaye ngubani oziqalisayo.

Inyani yile yokuba uninzi lokwahlukana lubangelwa ngumntwana osele ekhulile; ezinye iipesenti ezili-12 zokuhlukaniswa ziqikelelwa ukuba zihlelwe ngabazali, ngokuqhelekileyo oomama. Kufanelekile ukuba ithi imeko yokuziphatha yenkcubeko ixhomekeke kakhulu kubunjineli kuqhekeko; Umama osika umntwana omdala ngaphandle uhlala enikwa isibonelelo sokuthandabuza ngenxa yeentsomi ezinxulumene nokuba ngumama kunye ne-sacrosanct bond. Abantu bayakhonkotha kwaye bayambombozela, bavelane kwaye baphulaphule, becinga ukuba kufanele ukuba kukho isizathu esihle kakhulu.

Isifundo esenziwe nguMegan Gilligan, uJill Suitor, kunye noKarl Pillemer bafumanise ukuba amaxabiso angafaniyo abanjwe ngoomama nabantwana abadala yeyona nto inamandla yokuxhathisa ukwahlukana. Njengoko siza kubona, icandelo "lesizathu esihle" ngokuqinisekileyo livulelekile kwingxoxo. (Nceda uqaphele ukuba andizenzi ngathi ndingathathi cala xa ndiphanda indawo. Ndibhala ngoomama abanetyhefu kunye neentombi zabo njengegqwetha labasandul Ukusetyenziswa kweziyobisi, izenzo ezingekho mthethweni, ubusela, nezinye izinto ezinje; oko kwahlukana kumalunga nenye into.)

Ngokwahlukileyo koko, umntwana okhulileyo ongadibaniyo ngokukhawuleza ubizwa ngokuba yi-indrate-ngapha koko, ngubani owakondlayo, wakunxibisa, kwaye wakukhusela? -Kucingelwa ukuba ungxamile, akakhuli, okanye uzicingela yedwa. (Esi ayisosimangaliso, ngasendleleni, koko abaphandi uChristine Rittenour, uStephen Kromke, nabanye bafumene kuvavanyo lwabo lwabantu abadala baseMelika kunye neenkolelo ezinxulumene nokwahlukana.)

Ngokusekwe kuphando lwam nolwabanye, inyani kukuba abantwana abadala bachitha iminyaka becinga ngesigqibo, bahlala bekhetha ukuseta imida kunye nokuthintela unxibelelwano ngaphambi kokufudukela. Ngaphezu koko, kunokwenzeka ukuba "bajikeleze" ngaphakathi nangaphandle kwesahlukaniso, njengoko uphando olwenziwe nguKristina M. Scharp nabanye lubonisa; Ndiyenzile ngokwam phantse iminyaka engama-20.

Ngaba kukungabikho kwexabiso ekwabelwana ngalo okanye kukungamkeleki kukhetho lomntwana omdala olwenza ukuba umama amnqumle loo mntwana? Gcina ukhumbula ukuba kukho ihlazo elinxulunyaniswa nokwahlukaniswa nangayiphi na imeko -ukuphambuka kwindlela yesiqhelo kuhlala kungonwabisi-ke kufanelekile ukuba uzibuze ukuba ngaba ukungamkelwa ngamanye amaxesha kunokuba sisigqubuthelo soxinzelelo olunzulu nolunetyhefu. Injalo imeko ka "Jordan," oneminyaka engama-50 ubudala, ophendule iphepha lemibuzo endithumele abafundi, ebhala ukuba umama wakhe wayegweba ngokugqithileyo kwaye kwakungekho ngxoxo iphosakeleyo ekhayeni, kwaye nomama wakhe wayeka ubudlelwane xa wayeganene nomnye umntu umfundi wezomthetho wohlanga oluxubileyo:

Ndicinga ngokunyanisekileyo ukuba umtshato wam yayisisizathu awasifunayo. Umama wam uyindlela-okanye-umendo wendlela kwaye utata wam yimpiko. Bobabini abazali bam bavela kwimvelaphi yabasebenzi kwaye bayazigcina izinto. Wayesoloko endigculela ngenxa yamabhongo. Wayechasene nokuya kwam ekholejini ke ndemka ekhaya nge-18, ndasebenza, ndaya esikolweni ebusuku. Ndazibekela imida ndaza ndabelana kancinci ngobomi bam nomnye umzali kuba ukugculelwa bekungapheliyo kwaye kuyadimaza. Babendidelela kwaye bengenabhongo xa ndaya kwisikolo sezomthetho kwaye umama wandityhola ngokuziva ndiziphakamisile kunabo kunye nomntakwethu owaba ngophahla njengotata wam. Saqhwalela de ndazibophelela kwaye waqala umkhankaso opheleleyo we-smear. Wayecinga ukuba unesizathu esivakalayo sokundinqamula, esinye esinokuvumelana nabahlobo bakhe kunye nosapho, kwaye kuyasebenza. Ewe ibibuhlungu kodwa bendingafuni nxalenye yayo. Mna nomyeni wam, nabantwana bethu ababini, sakhe ubomi obumnandi ngaphandle kwabo.

Amandla anokwenzeka

Nangona zizii-anecdotal kwaye ingezizo ezenzululwazi, amabali ekwabelwana ngawo ngabafundi bam akhanyisa imisinga enokubangela ukuba umama athathe inyathelo kwaye athumele ilungu losapho elubhacweni olusisigxina; Kuqhelekile, nokuba ngubani oqala ukwahlukana, ukuba naluphi na ulwalamano olongezelelweyo lweentsapho lugcinwa. Ayothusi into yokuba amalungu osapho athathe icala, ngakumbi kuba bahlala becetyiswa. Kunqabile ukuba umntu abambelele kwindawo yokungathathi cala.

Ukuhlawula umva wokubuyisa. Inani elikhulu labasetyhini bathi banqunyanyisiwe ngokukodwa xa bethe bathetha ngendlela oomama ababaphatha ngayo okanye banyanzelisa ukuba kubekho imida endaweni; inkoliso yabo ichaze into eyaphukileyo “njengesohlwayo” okanye “ukuziphindezela.” Eli yayilibali u-Alice, ngoku oneminyaka eyi-55, wathi:

Umama wayehlala endiphazamisa kwaye endigxeka kodwa yayinyuka ngokuzalwa komntwana wam wokuqala. Wayekhupha yonke into endiyenzayo njengomama kwaye oko kwaqhubeka iminyaka de waqala ukuthetha nentombi yam ngendlela awayehlala ethetha ngayo nam. Akukho nto kodwa iimfumba zokugxekwa. Ayenzekanga loo nto kwaye ndambiza ukuba ndiyiqonde kwaye ngekhe ayenze loo nto kudadewethu omdala, uNan. Waphendula wathini? Ukuba ubungumama olungileyo njengoNan, bekungekho mfuneko yokuba ndithethe. ” Nangona kunjalo, akayeki kwaye ndamxelela ukuba ndiza kuthatha iholide kuye. Uye waphefumlela phezulu, wayeka nokuthetha nam kwangoko. Undilahlile kuye wonke umntu ophulaphuleyo. Kwakuyiminyaka eli-15 eyadlulayo kwaye khange siphinde siqhakamshelane. Into yokugqibela endizakuyenza kukucela ukubuyiselwa emva ukuze aphinde andihlukumeze nomntwana wam. Hayi enkosi.

Inyathelo nje emva kokubaleka. Inani leentombi lichaze ukuba yayiyintoni i-scapegoat yosapho ekukhuleni kwabo kwaye baba ziigusha ezimnyama ezimiselweyo ebudaleni, ngaphandle kwempumelelo yabo. UNorah ubhale wathi “Ndim ophumeleleyo sobathathu kodwa ngekhe wazi ngokumamela isidlo sangokuhlwa sosapho. Ndisaqhubeka nokukhethwa ngokungaginyisi mathe ngabazali bam nabantakwethu kuphela. ” Uninzi lwezi ntombi zihluthwe umda kunxibelelwano lwabo neentsapho zabo zemvelaphi kodwa bonke bavakalise ukothuka kwaye bothuka xa, ngenkxaso yabantakwabo, oomama babo babanqamla ngaphandle kwesigameko. U-Lisabeth wayeneminyaka engama-36 xa umama wakhe wambhalela ileta emshiya ngaphandle kosapho:

Izinto zazingazange zilunge phakathi kwam nomama kwaye, ewe, ukugxekwa nokucekiswa akuzange kuyekele; Bendingumfazi oxhase usapho ekukhuleni kwam. Ke ndilunciphisile unxibelelwano lwam kwii-imeyile kunye nakwiifowuni zentetho ezincinci; Umyeni wam kwaye sasifudukele kwilizwe liphela ngoko kwakungekho thuba lincinci lokumbona. Kodwa ileta yakhe ayizange ivele. Kwakungekho mlo, kwakungekho nto, ileta nje embi eyayichaza iintsilelo zam nendlela awayengafuni ukundibona ngayo. Ndaba buhlungu ndothuka. Umyeni wam wayengakholelwa tu. Oodadewethu ababini babengandixeleli okwenzekileyo: Babesithi nje ‘uMama unezizathu zakhe’ — utata wayengavumi nokuxoxa ngayo. Ndafumanisa kumzala wam, kwiminyaka eyalandelayo, ukuba oodadewethu ababesebenza njengegumbi le-echo ekugqibeleni baqinisekisa umama ukuba andifanelekanga ukuba lilungu.

Umphandi uGary Gemmill uchaze ukuba ubukho be-scapegoat buvumela usapho ukuba lukholelwe ukuba ibingayi kuba ngumfanekiso wokugqibelela ukuba bekungekho ngobukho beli bhokhwe. Ukuphosa loo mntu ngaphandle kuyasebenza ukuze kuqiniswe iintsomi zosapho kwaye kumanyanise amalungu aseleyo kunye nengxelo ekwabelwana ngayo.

Cidityaniswe nelifa kunye nelifa. Amabali aliqela abandakanya abazali abalupheleyo, oomama abaqhawule umtshato okanye abahlolokazi abalupheleyo, ukungavisisani kwabantakwenu, kwaye — okothusayo, okothusayo! Enye intombi yaxhalaba xa, emva kweminyaka eli-15 yentetho encinci ephucukileyo kunye nokunxibelelana komzimba okunqabileyo, umama wakhe wavala iminxeba yakhe, ii-imeyile, kwaye wamkhathaza kuFacebook. Uye wafowunela utata wakhe ukuba aphendulwe ngumama wakhe kwangoko wakubeka phantsi. Yayingumnxeba ovela kwigqwetha losapho limazisa ukuba akasenguye umabi welifa labazali bakhe okanye umxhamli owamnyikimisayo.

Enye intombi yayingazi ukuba ikhutshiwe kwada kwasemva kokuba kusweleke umama wayo okwothusayo kolunye uhlobo.

Ngaphandle kwembali yethu, ndenza ngokutyesheleyo ndade ndamthatha unyaka wonke, ngaphandle kwesiphithiphithi awasidalela mna, umyeni wam, nabantwana bam. Ndamfudusa ndaya kuhlala kwindawo encedisayo kwaye ndamtyelela rhoqo abantakwethu ababini bengazange. Akuzange kubekho ndawo okanye ungqubano kodwa ukuthanda kwakhe yayiyimpama ebusweni obuhanjiswe engcwabeni. Ndicinga ukuba ekugqibeleni waziva ekhululekile ngokwaneleyo ukuba angandilahla, ndicinga ukuba, ebehlala efuna ukwenza. Andikwazi ukuyichaza intlungu endandiyiva kodwa yandishukumisela kunyango. Ngoku, xa ndijonga, ndiyaqonda ukuba akukho nto ndinokuyenza ukutshintsha uluvo lwakhe ngam okanye ukumenza ukuba andithande.

Zonke ezi zi-anecdotal, kunjalo, kodwa zidityaniswe nophando lwengqondo zinikela ubungqina kubunzima obumangalisayo bobudlelwane bukamama nentombi kunye nemikhosi enokubangelwa lolu hlobo lokwahlukana.Gcina ukhumbula ukuba zikho ezinye izizathu ezingunobangela wokuphononongwa kwenye iposti.

Enkosi kubafundi bam abathe babelana nam ngamabali abo.

Funda nzulu:

• Izinto ezi-4 esizifundileyo malunga nokuCalucalulwa kwabadala kwabantwana nomzali
• Kutheni ulungelelwaniso lwabazali luyinto enamandla kangaka
• Kutheni le nto ulwahlulo kubazali abanetyhefu ngamanye amaxesha lungenakuphepheka

Ilungelo lokushicilela © Peg Streep 2020

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